So…*gestures* the…world. Oooof.
I started this entry months ago when I thought dealing with a pandemic, depression, and the death of my cat was all I had to deal with. Hah. Good times.
All that aside. I’ve sure been playing a lot of Animal Crossing. Between crocheting, insomnia, listening to conspiracy theory podcasts and taking my anti anxiety meds like candy.
Not the most useful existence right now, but it’s what I got these days. At least I managed to make a somewhat acceptable baby blanket. Hopefully someone finds that useful. Or at least appreciate the amount of crazy slip knots involved in making a whole blanket.
Alas the last thing I’ve been doing is Art. Or Drawing. Or Writing. Back when this post was started – and we were all starting to settle into quarantine that was a big deal. And for me is still a bit of a guilty weight on me.
All that free time, no interruptions, nothing better to do, all that prime suffering. (All Artists Must Suffer After All) Why am I not a whirlwind of creativity making new series of prints, wrapping up that long form fanfic, and creating the great American Novel while I’m at it?
I have TIME why am I not making THINGS? Why aren’t others making many things? Why are we not experiencing some sort of Plague Born Renaissance of new media?
Sorry folks – that’s just how people work. Cooking dinner expends about most of my energy these days. I don’t have spare emotional energy to create much. On the plus side I learned how to make stir fry, lemon bread, and still amazing at pies.
I mean – I have a really elaborate painting of a pile of plague corpses I’m working on. Goya went reclusive and painted the Black Paintings on his house walls for himself – I apparently paint fan-art for Russian games about dying of plague. (My mom didn’t go for me making a fresco in the hall so the comparison doesn’t go very far.)
But I’m not sharing or posting that work (except on Patreon). Because I’m pretty sure no one needs that right now. People don’t need to see a picture of the ocean when they are drowning.
Another reason I haven’t made anything is. It feels Silly. I keep trying to go back to my tutorials – or my fanfic and it all feels hollow. Art is usually a sort of hollow marzipan sort of thing. It’s a bit of make believe wrapped around an idea. No matter how serious or not the art is, it feels superfluous.
I live in Texas and this February our infrastructure shit itself. It was bad. People died. Nothing was done. The first couple days or so after all this happened – power was back on, water was running, I was safe and warm and fed. Technically things were “normal”. I sat down and opened a painting I’d been working on and just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I couldn’t fathom it. People froze to death – people suffocated on carbon monoxide. We are in the middle of a plague. And I was trying to paint a goddamn dragon.
Even months later this feels like whining. Or an excuse. Which it might be. I apologize once again for my silence. I’ll try to make what I can as I can. I’ve managed to force myself to at least add to projects slowly or doodle. Slow progress isn’t much but it is progress.
Stay safe everyone – it can’t rain all the time.